A note to the reader: Each month I share a bit about what God’s doing in my life. This looks like a rambling narrative of where I am with God, what I’m learning, where I’ve encountered Him, what I’m wondering about. The goal isn’t really to “teach” or share a lesson, but to invite you into my process, my relationship with God, to help you know me better and to hopefully help you explore possibilities for your own life with God. Here’s this month’s edition.
You’re not the only one who feels this way.
It was a thought that popped into my head. Maybe it was God? I wasn’t sure, but it sounded like it could be Him.
This was a couple of years ago. I was standing in the field of the elementary school, waiting to pick my kids up so we could walk home.
I was alone (well, my dog was with me) and I noticed the groups of others parents gathering to chit chat as they waited. I had this deep sense of loneliness. Like everyone else already knew each other and had their group of friends and I didn’t really belong.
This wasn’t true exactly. I had separated myself on purpose because my Covid dog is unpredictable. And I did have friends in my community, they just didn’t happen to be there at that moment picking up their own kids.
But the feeling I felt stuck with me. And the words that popped into my mind: You’re not the only one who feels this way.
It was like a light bulb went off. I’m not the only one who feels lonely sometimes? I’m not the only one who wonders if they belong sometimes? It felt like brand new information. And it awakened in me a desire to be an includer, an inviter.
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Since then, I’ve been learning more and more about the “loneliness epidemic” that exists in our country, our world. According to Susan Mettes, author of The Loneliness Epidemic:
Loneliness is the distress someone feels when their social connections don’t meet their need for emotional intimacy. So it’s lack. It’s disappointment. It’s something we are conscious of, even when we don’t call it loneliness. Loneliness is a thirst that drives us to seek companionship-or, perhaps better, fellowship.
In the same book, Mettes goes on to share data and research about our worldwide problem with loneliness. About a quarter of all people feel lonely frequently.
We are a lonely people. And we desire connection.
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Since feeling the desire to include and invite and create spaces of belonging, my family and I have taken steps to intentionally extend invitations and gather people.
Groups of women for wine and conversation, families for dinner, birthday parties, Halloween trick-or-treat groups, kids Bible studies, block parties.
I’ve been overwhelmed by the “yeses”. Not wanting to leave anyone out, the invitations have been many. I figured people would weed themselves out and we’d be left with smaller groups that would be intimate. Not so. We’ve had very few “nos.”
The gatherings are bursting with people thankful to be invited and longing for connection. Our “family dinner” group (we meet monthly for dinner with other families, hence the clever name) has ten families with multiple kids each which means we may have close to 50 people squeezing into our homes for a potluck dinner each month.
We have 12 fifth grade boys (and two tag-a-long sisters) taking over our basement every Monday right after school. There’s snacks and craziness and some conversation about God. One of the boys’ moms reached out to thank my friend Mary and I for gathering the boys. She surprised me by mentioning how lonely he has felt. How happy to be included he was. This was a boy who I would assume felt connected and loved by his peers. Inside, he felt differently.
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I’ve been wondering about this. I know the problem of loneliness goes back far beyond Covid. But that strange season of social distancing certainly didn’t help. It was a connection disruptor. We all pulled back.
My kids, who were in preschool and first grade in the spring of 2020, missed the peak years of play dates and birthday parties. They would say they had friends, but these were kids they basically just saw at school and for awhile, behind masks only.
Once the pandemic began to settle down and we entered the world again, I remember feeling a little rusty in relationships. I was like the tin man in need of some oil. I had forgotten how, I was out of practice, and I wasn’t even sure what was okay or normal anymore.
And then time passed and I began to wonder, have we missed something? Is everyone gathering without us? For some people, probably yes. The extreme extroverts and social butterflies have maybe been gathering this whole time. But for many of us, I don’t think so. I think we were all stuck in this new weird normal, wondering if we were the only ones. I think this is why we’ve had such a explosion of yeses. People have been waiting, wanting, to be invited.
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So, why such a longing? Why such a desire for connection and belonging?
I think it all comes back to how we are made. We were made by a triune God who exists in relationship: Father, Son, Spirit. And we were made in His image. We were made to be in relationship. We were made for connection. So, when we don’t have it, we long for it.
But what about our relationship with God? Can’t that be enough? I think it’s absolutely foundational to know and experience a deep relationship with God, to know that we are already and fully loved, that even if we don’t feel like we belong anywhere else, we belong with the Trinity (and really this is what we are inviting people into).
But. Even God said, “it is not good for man to be alone.”
And He wasn’t talking about Himself as the answer to our loneliness. He was already there, in relationship with Adam. And He still saw that Adam needed a companion. He needed another person. And, I believe, so do we.
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For me, I’ve been longing for deepening. To deepen the relationships I already have. To move from knowing to knowing. Know what I mean? Moving from “I know this about you” (you live here, you work there, you have this many kids, etc.), to “I know your heart” (your deep down desires, your fears, your hopes, your story).
So how do we get there?
I’m doing a Bible Study by Angie Smith and in it she says the most powerful way of connecting to other people is to ask a question.
Good questions deepen relationships. And we’re in luck, because God asked lots of good questions. So, where I am right now, is learning from the God of good questions.
I’d love to invite you to join me. I’ve been working on a guide to explore the good questions God asked throughout scripture. To learn from Him, to respond to His questions in order to know myself, and to get ideas of questions to ask others so I might know them more deeply.
If you are interested in exploring the questions of God yourself, I’ve got you covered. The guide is free for paid subscribers (below) or can be purchased here if you’re not ready to upgrade your subscription.
And of course, it’s not at all necessary on your journey toward connection.
Look for the people longing to be included. Extend an invitation. Let yourself be known. And ask them a good question.
Let’s invite people into belonging. With us. But especially, with God.
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